Tales From The Metro(rail)

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So recently I’ve moved to D.C. to pursue opportunities in my field, Government, as a Fellow, fancy I know, at a fundraising shop. Yesterday I left a fundraiser with a free tray of fruit, because I’m still broke. I made my way from the absolutely beautiful house we used as a setting for the shindig and headed to the Eastern Market Metro Stop. Whilst paying for my metrocard, who made public transportation so expensive, I thought “hmm I should eat these pineapples before they get warm” no one like lukewarm pineapples. As I took my seat to wait on the train I opened up the lovely tray and this is what happened.

Me – Me, Chad Stanton

Surprisingly Well Dressed Junkie – A junkie with the Bubbles look and alcohol on his breath, except dude had on a blazer, clean white shirt, jeans and and some wingtips

*Surprisingly Well Dressed Junkie enters and sets next to me*

*I start eating pineapple chunks (Junkie or not I’m eating these dxmn chunks)*

SWDJ: Yo can I get one of those joints?

Me: *gives him don’t start no bullshxt look, surprised by how well dressed he is* Yeah man go ahead.

SWDJ: Bet *SWDJ grabs a Strawberry, takes a bite, and tries to put it right back on the tray*

Me: Don’t do that shxt man, what’s wrong with you?!

SWDJ: You right, you right, you right * SWDJ takes another bite and throws the Strawberry on the tracks*

Me: *I shake my head and keep eating*

SWDJ: Yo can I have a cantaloupe?

Me: *I think hard, I’m never going to eat this cantaloupe, but this guy … I’m a Christian though so I kind of have to give them to him especially if I’m going throw them away anyway* Yeah man here. *I separate cantaloupes and strawberries from pineapples and grapes* “that’s yours this is mine”

SWDJ: Yoo if anything happened to you, yo I’d kill the world.

Me: *stern look* Aint nothing going to happen to me, I’m good

SWDJ: You right, you right, you right

*Me & SWDJ begin eating*

SWDJ: Yo, you gonna get some money for this, for real, I don’t care if it’s tomorrow, next month, next year you going to get some money for doing this

Me: Bet

SWDJ: I don’t care if it’s from your girl, your boss

Me: Already

*SWDJ starts taking a bite from the cantaloupes and throwing them, no one like cantaloupes*

Me: Cut that out

SWDJ: You right, you right, you right

*Our train finally arrives, I look down and I’ve eaten all my pineapples and most of the grapes*

Me: Here you can have the rest

SWDJ: I’m good

*We both get on the train, fxck*

SWDJ:  yo what’s your phone number?

Me: What?

SWDJ: * SWDJ must see the look on my face* I’m not gay yoo I got all the bxtches, I can hook you up with girls yo!”

Me: *I must concede that he is well dressed, surprisingly so* I’m good

SWDJ: Okay okay okay. *SWDJ pulls crinkled up crack dollar out of his pocket, hands it to me*

Me: You sure you don’t need this?

SWDJ: I do, I do, I do

*Me hands dollar back*

SWDJ: here take this pen though, for a souvenir

Me: Already

*SWDJ walks off and starts bouncing on the seats like a kindergartner, gets bored and walks back up to Me*

SWDJ: Yo what’s your name?

Me: Chad, what about you?

SWDJ: Jesuschrist

Me: what?!

*SWD(JC?) starts hanging from a handrail*

and scene.

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