I'd like to consider myself a "Bathroom Ninja".
When I go to the restroom, it's for one reason...well, sometimes two. And when I go for "two reasons", I don't want to be seen or bothered.
I'm serious, you won't catch me. I leave no trace (pun intended)
I stay invisible in the bathroom
You may be wondering how I became a so-called 'Bathroom Ninja'. Well, besides the fact that I just want to poop in peace, I DO have some insecurities about me going in public. Especially in the workplace. Unlike being in the privacy of your own home, or among strangers at the stadium, pooping around your peers can be nerve-wracking
"Location, Location, Location" should be your first consideration
You have to consider what your best option may be. Choose the place with the best privacy and least traffic. In this case, I would suggest the Option C, the rare, but 'oh so private' stand-alone bathroom. Option A would probably be second because it provides the best "isolation". Keep in mind, at the workplace, this may require you to go to a different floor. Or just wait until you get home.
Next, being a "Bathroom Ninja" starts at the door. You have to consider who sees you going into the bathroom. Especially, when someone follows you into the bathroom.
If you are followed, make a B-line to the urinal. Don't let them see you enter the stall!
Similar considerations must be made even when you're ready to exit. Don't let anyone see you exit the stall! Even if that means you're fully-dressd, standing up, checking your watch in the stall. Wait until the coast is clear!
Even when you do choose the best location you can, and the last stall (the universal preference), your serenity can still be intruded.
It sucks, but it happens all the time...
Who wants to sit next to someone else while they do their business? You must avoid this!
Sometimes, they may even want to spark up conversation because they "think" you're in the stall! Regardless of whether they call you by your full government name....don't answer- Don't let yourself be identified!
In close quarters, keeping your anonymity can be difficult. You have to considered all angles. Tuck your feet in and flip that work badge over!
Don't forget about the top side of the stall. You may have to 'bend over', and it may be hella uncomfortable. Most dudes over 5'11 have this problem when they're "cleaning up". For those who can effectively wipe themselves while sitting down, I envy you.
But ya see, that takes us back to the first step. You have to consider where you do your business! Short stalls are fading out of existence, but sometimes you don't know what you're getting into until you sit down.
...and then, you're just setting yourself up to get caught.
You can't avoid every awkward situation, but hopefully these tips helped.
THE END
Editor’s Note: Even in 2012, grown men are refusing to wash their hands.
WASH YOURS HANDS!
...and keep washing them
MichaelYoungHistory
April 9, 2012 at 8:29 AM
This is fucking brilliant. BRILLIANT.
Jay Howard Gatsby
April 9, 2012 at 9:06 AM
“For those who can effectively wipe themselves while sitting down, I envy you.”
I CRIED.
keayo
April 9, 2012 at 10:27 AM
Though these are great tips to hide the fact that you’re dropping a load, our mindsets about shitting needs to change. Some people go through extreme lengths to make sure nobody knows they are taking a dump. I can’t count how many times a girl has gone into my bathroom and ran water for 5 mins. All this extra makes it even more obvious that she’s trying to hide the fact that she’s in there creating brown pickles. You might as well catch each lump of shit in some toilet paper and lay it gently into the water. You might as well, since it’s so important that no one knows shit is dropping in and making that BLOOP sound.
In a corporate environment, no matter how nice people may seem, it’s dog eat dog. Your peers are trying to figure out your insecurities so that they can figure out how they can use them to their advantage. When they see you have an “I don’t give a damn” attitude, most tend not to test or mess with you. Once my manager tried to make an example of me in front of other subordinates, by asking me where I’ve been all day and I simply responded “I was just in the bathroom for the last ten mins”. She never tried that nonsense with me again.
The way you approach anything shows how your personality is. If I saw someone tip toeing into the bathroom looking left and right, in my head, I see a target. Not saying I’d take advantage of them, just saying I’d be thinking “push-over”.
Now, I’m not saying you’re a push-over or anything, there are much more important areas during work that you can prove yourself, I’m just saying what people may perceive.
One thing I HAVE to agree with though is the hand washing thing. Wow, people are filthy. Grown man going #2 and can’t take a few seconds to scrub his hands clean…..
justinfication
April 9, 2012 at 10:35 AM
hahaha I agree. As a society, we must become more comfortable with dropping a load.
Seriously though, I just want to poop in peace!