The Unspeakable

22 Nov


So, we’ve all heard it. “Look, look, look. There she go. Why does she have to take OUR men? Doesn’t she have enough of her own to choose from?” …. “Oh no she didn’t go and get her a white man. What? Black men weren’t good enough?” Or some variation thereof. (If you’re saying “I never have” right now, you’re lying to yourself.) So, what? What’s the big deal? Well, let’s get down to it. As a product of an interracial relationship you might find what I have to say disturbing, and you might find it makes a lot more sense than you thought. So give it a chance.

I’ve been asked many times why I choose not to date white guys—and yes, it is a personal choice. My number two answer is that I am flat out just not as physically attracted to them as I am men of color. Hate if you want to, but it’s the downright truth. However, what’s most important is my number one answer: I just don’t feel white men can truly relate to what I deal with on a daily basis. There is a huge difference between sympathy, empathy, and understanding. What I, personally, need most is someone who understands; someone I can say, “Baby, you know what happened” to and not have to say another word; someone that realizes my challenges in life are above and beyond. For me, this means a person of color (usually black).

BUT, I understand the statements, “Oh, no she didn’t.” “Oh, yes he did.” “Has he lost his mind?” Given the history of race in this country and the unconscious ways in which racial, ethnic, gender, and other stereotypes manifest themselves (and I’m taking this as a given, so if you don’t like this statement you should stop reading now), is it any wonder that black men and women have these thoughts? Because it shouldn’t be.

Black men: Sometimes when you date outside your race we wonder if you really share the deepest bond with your woman, you just find something genuinely wrong with the sistas, or if you have a self-hate towards your race.

Black women: Sometimes when you date outside your race we wonder if you think black men aren’t good enough because they’re not educated enough or don’t know how to treat women, or if you really just had that many bad experiences.

Are all of these thoughts wrong? Yes. Are all of these thoughts warranted? Yes. We could go on for days on both sides of the aisle, but what it really comes down to is this: we all need to let it go. That doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t have those thoughts or reactions when we see an interracial couple. It also doesn’t mean that the first thing that should come to my (or your) mind is race. Trust me, nothing makes me smile like seeing a lovely black couple walking down the street. I also get a special feeling inside when I see two people interact that I can tell were MADE for each other, regardless of their race (like my parents).

Bottom line, you might be limiting yourself. Your idea of whom you’re meant to be with may be the complete opposite of what you have in mind. That doesn’t mean you can’t hold out for what you want, it just means that you need to keep things in perspective. If you can’t find what you’re looking for (or it’s not finding you) maybe you need to start looking in new places. That said, be up for the challenge. Recognize that society still hasn’t grasped the concept 100%. Your relationship will take more time and effort to keep afloat, but if it’s worth holding on to, the work won’t feel like work.

The final message: be happy. If someone you meet makes you the happiest woman or man on Earth, are you going to put it to an end because they don’t fit what you had in mind? Happiness is not easily found, and not easily kept. Cherish it.




Posted by on November 22, 2010 in Relationships


28 responses to “The Unspeakable

  1. Typo-Critical

    November 22, 2010 at 10:41 PM

    Whenever I think of interracial relationships, I immediately think of the movie “Something New.” Which hurt me, seeing Sanaa Lathan get with Simon Baker (*sigh* the wound is still fresh…), I won’t lie… However, more importantly, there’s a line in that movie that has always stuck with me:

    Sanaa – “I’m not prejudiced. I just have a preference.”
    Simon – “But you’re prejudiced by your preference.”

    So yeah, maybe due to the not-so-distant history in which certain people of certain races were just not at all friendly towards people from other races, our respective preferences do have prejudicial motivations. It’s not like you didn’t see the blank stares and awkward conversations with the family and friends coming, after all. But arguably, you can’t help who you become attracted to, much less fall in love with. You just gotta be able to do the work. That said, I couldn’t really see myself with a white woman, possibly with a Latina, but my preference is definitely a Black woman. *shrug* You gotta work to attain and especially maintain with EITHER, though, don’t you?

    “Happiness is not easily found, and not easily kept. Cherish it.” Now THAT’S real.

  2. realist23

    November 23, 2010 at 12:16 AM

    I’m guilty of this. I’ll readily admit it, but I’m working on it. It doesn’t hurt me as much to see a black female with a white dude as much as it used to. It’ll still garner a look from me because I don’t see it every day, but if they’re happy and he treats her right, I won’t stand in its way. I do think it’s different for black women than black males, though. When I see a black woman with a white guy, it’s rare, but I know that there are plenty of other eligible black women in the sea. I’m sure when black women see a black dude with a white woman, it’s different. I’m not going to go down the list of numbers and things holding black men back, but black men are becoming more and more of a rare breed.

    Much like Typo-Critical is reminded of “Something New”, I’m reminded of “Save the Last Dance”. When Derek’s sister told Sara her issue with their relationship, I could understand what many black women go through. It’s not so much that white women are dating black men, they’re picking from the top of the tree. They’re dating the “good ones” when the “good ones” are hard to come by. Personally, I prefer to date black women. I used to be a lot more of an equal opportunity dater, but grade school changed all that. I love the connection I have with the black women I’ve dated, and I just don’t think I can find that same connection outside of that.

  3. primemeridian11

    November 23, 2010 at 9:39 AM

    It bothers me. My brother has never dated black women and I just don’t get it. (I love my sister in law), but it’s like the women who look like his mom and sisters aren’t good enough. If you are a black man and you just happen to fall for a non-black woman, then OK. Do you. My problem is when black men REFUSE to date black women. They talk about it like dating them is a disease and then they transpose their insecurity into blame. It’s the black woman’s fault for being a neck rolling, loud spoken, selfishly stubborn, Bia. I hate that so much! Who hurt them? Self-Hate.

    Also, Realist23 is correct. It hurts even more that they are choosing from the top of the tree. The men who could actually help to produce strong black families are choosing to go elsewhere. Back in the day it was so important for black families to band together because it was all we had. Black men couldn’t even look at white women and now, it’s a preference? I just don’t get it.

  4. MYH

    November 23, 2010 at 10:12 AM

    Wow this was so well written!

    As someone in an interracial relationship, even I have some of those feelings you spoke of when I see interracial relationships that consist of a black woman and someone else, but it’s always fleeting. I’ve dated plenty of black women and they didn’t work. I’ve dated plenty of non-black women and they also didn’t work. Idk who (or what race) I’ll end up with but at the end of the day, If you can keep me happy and vice versa, we’ll be together, no matter what my mom says! Lol.

    @Prime I know black men that refuse to date black women. I don’t get it! Their loss though…

  5. MYH

    November 23, 2010 at 10:13 AM

    @Real @Prime what do y’all mean “top of the tree?” do we define that based on education/income? If so, I think that’s a mistake….I’ll let that speak for itself.

    • primemeridian11

      November 23, 2010 at 11:23 AM

      I definitely do not define it by Education/Income. We had a very heated 3 day convo about how I define it on the thread. Education/Income are part of the top of tree, but they aren’t at all the most pressing. I just mean men of good character and that is defined subjectively.

  6. NotUnderstandin86

    November 23, 2010 at 10:20 AM

    <Sigh. I'm all the 3 previous comments combined! But I have a strong biased opinion on this sub so I can't talk about this issue for too long because it just really upsets me. I come from a family where ALL the men except one have married white women. And all the women in my family have been treated like dirt by black men. It saddens me deeply. I'm not angry about interracial dating, it's been going on forever. It just angers me, when I look at so many beautiful black women who are being left out in the cold because men of ALL races prefer to date someone just a little bit lighter and a little bit righter (if you catch my drift). I feel like black women are always preferred last if even thought of at all. So who cares if I black man dates a white woman, or latino or asian or whatever. Well no one should. But I do CARE when I see black women who are just as lovable and willing to love as the a woman of another race. I do CARE when those women think that the black man chose them because they were better. I DO CARE when I see my black women loosing sleep, self worth, and self esteem because they feel they aren't wanted. It's funny, I read blogs like this ALL THE TIME! And see comments from black men who say they prefer black women. But then you go out into the real world and YOU DON'T SEE IT! And many times the same men who are preaching BLACK POWER are the same ones "falling in love" and starting families with women of another race. #IMJUSTSAYIN

    As far as a black woman dating outside her race. Well (and this will be from a biased place) damn everyone else is doing it? Why can't we? I think many women dream of having a great black family. And then are hit by reality and must look elsewhere to live their dream even if it must be altered. We deserve to be happy too! And if the black man is too busy making women of other races happy, well hell!

    • primemeridian11

      November 23, 2010 at 11:28 AM

      Very real comment. Black men sometimes devalue black women more than anyone else and that’s what hurts. The world believes what black men think about us and black men haven’t been showing that they think very highly of black women. How ironic when their main complaint is that black women look down on them? Cyclical dysfunction at it’s best.

  7. stopitrightthere

    November 23, 2010 at 10:21 AM

    This was definitely a good read. I’m always torn when I see “swirl love” because I always have the questions, like many (e.g, why did you go outside of the “circle” and mix? lol). Nonetheless, it works for that man and woman, and I can’t do/say anything about it.

    Going along with the movies mentioned, with regard to Save the Last Dance, Chenille tells Derek at the end of the movie what I believe to be one of the most important pieces of advice when it comes to love and relationships: “you can’t help who you love,” which is in line with the final message of this point: be happy. It is spot on and as real as it gets…job well done.

  8. realist23

    November 23, 2010 at 10:48 AM

    @MYH I wasn’t necessarily basing it on education/income. Those just happen to be the culminating factors once you remove the black men locked up, deadbeats, etc. Think from an educated black woman’s perspective (the perspective that matters to me because that’s what I prefer). What are you looking for to complement your lifestyle? The God-fearing law grad with no kids, a cushy job, no record, family-oriented, treats women right, and loves his mom or the convicted felon with a church of kids, no goals, and no hopes of shaking the ex-con rap? I’m not trying to make this an us vs. them argument here, but the black men that successful black women might be looking for are few and far between.

    From a personal standpoint, my mother, the women in my family, and many black women I have dated/befriended have held me down since I came out of the womb. I want a woman like them whenever I make that trip to the altar and jump over the broom.

    • primemeridian11

      November 23, 2010 at 11:32 AM

      Clap for him! Well, said.

    • realist23

      November 23, 2010 at 12:11 PM

      I didn’t mean for that last part to rhyme. I guess that’s just the poet in me.

  9. JJ

    November 23, 2010 at 12:12 PM

    Unfortunately many people don’t see the value in black love! Also, unfortunately many people don’t see the importance of being happy and really don’t even know how they define their own happiness.

    Deep down there is always a feeling of “WHYYYYYYYYYY” when we see interacial dating/couples and in society we are usually thinking black and white. It never hurts as bad when we see people of color mixing and matching but when its a white person its different.

    I just say do what makes u happy and after having conversations with some black men, I dont know a BLACK women who would want them. Some black guys date other races because of where they are from, some date them because they are curious/experimenting, and some date them because they are genuinely hoping to find a mate. On the other hand I have known black men to date only white women because they say they are easy (Stereotype)but usually the quality of those white women is not very high (looks, education, career).

    Anyways, do what makes u happy and if thats finding a White Precious looking chick, so be it but do it for the right reasons.

  10. embossme

    November 23, 2010 at 1:31 PM

    First, let me say that this was a really great post!!

    Disclaimer: This is a touchy subject for me.

    That said, I kinda wish that we could have gotten a little deeper. I would really like to gain more insight into how it felt growing up as a biracial child, how did it affect your life both positively and negatively? What made you become more drawn to your blackness as opposed to your whiteness. What were your mom’s thoughts when she was approached by a black man? How does she feel when a sista stares her down? Had she always been attractive to men of color or was this “something new”.

    I need to hear this so that maybe I can be more empathetic towards interracial couples, and not be so offended when I see a BM holding hands with his WW. I need to feel your experience so that maybe I won’t feel so rejected the next time a black man overlooks me to holla at the (less attractive) Becky across the room. What kills me is that often times the most attractive, educated, God fearing BM will fall head over heels for the fattest, varicose vain having, mou mou wearing WW simply because she has blonde hair and blue eyes?! I don’t get it *sighs in defeat*. Maybe your insight will silence the questions of “why don’t they (BM) want us?” , or “What did we (BW) doing wrong”, or “ Have we not supported, defended, encouraged, and loved you?!

    It HURTS… trust me I would like to just “let it go” but every time I see an intelligent beautiful sista alone and unmarried I can’t help but wonder if Katy, Ming, Rosa, or Nijma got first dibs. I hear BM men saying all the timethat they’re equal opportunists and that we (BW) should be open minded to dating other races… Um, NEWS FLASH: THEY DON’T WANT US!!!! They actual value the women of THEIR race. I have NEVER been approached or asked out by a White man, an Asian man, a Hispanic man, or an Indian man…. But if I had I would probably say No, why?! Because I am a BW and we LOVE BM… too bad the feeling isn’t mutal. #TeamAllBlackEverything!


    • NotUnderstandin86

      November 23, 2010 at 1:36 PM

      OMG! I can’t even LIKE LOVE this comment MORE! I am with you 10000000000000% ! You hit the nail right on the head!!!!!!!!!!!! Right on the head!

  11. embossme

    November 23, 2010 at 2:14 PM

    I soooooo felt the same way about your comment! Actually, your comment provoked me to post… thank you hun!

  12. TP4

    November 23, 2010 at 4:19 PM

    Wow! So many things to address based on these comments since I posted. I will be addressing Embossme in particular but mean this to be a post for everyone to further comment.

    First, addressing the issue of growing up as a biracial child. I am somewhat uneasy about the fact that so many people think biracial people have to choose a side. We don’t, and a lot of us don’t. However, I understand where you see being “drawn to” one side or the other as a decision that was made. The simple fact is: I don’t look white. So, when I walk out the door, I get treated as a non-white person, and this is made VERY apparent from a young age. I am a darker carbon copy of my mother in terms of appearance and if she walked in a room where I was standing on the other side, everyone would turn around and yell, “Your mom is here!” There is just no mistaking that she is my mother. I know this, and most people can see it very readily, yet when I walk out the door with her as a young child and have people say, “She’s so cute. Is she adopted?” there is no ignoring the fact that I am different. Over time, similar situations reinforce this differentness, and when you are old enough to comprehend the complex subject of race, all the comments from years and years ago begin to make more sense. So, naturally, I’m “drawn to” my “black side” because that’s how I’m viewed in society. Additionally, my mother always told me I was both and that both were beautiful and when it came down to it I would always be me. She bought me black dolls to play with and actively searched for books that exposed me to black characters in stories because she GETS IT as much as she can. She, to this day, carries with her some form of pain for knowing that her daughter is facing a number of challenges she will never face but knows that it makes me stronger. I CANNOT separate who I am. Things are not whiteness and blackness when it comes to me. Things are biracial. I am me, and me is black and white combined.

    That said, I can address the positives and negatives. Being biracial is great! And terrible. You get the best and worst of both worlds. I went to a predominantly white high school where how I talked was attributed to my “black side” by the white kids and my light-skinned exterior posed a problem for the darker-skinned black females when someone they wished to date was interested in me as if I had engaged in some conspiracy against them (which still continues to this day—and I am leaving the issues within our own black community for another day. I mention it here only to get at the positives and negatives). Overall, I wasn’t “white enough” to be fully accepted by the white kids, and I wasn’t “black enough” to be fully accepted by the black kids (male and female alike). I think there is this preconception that all mixed children are “confused” and we go through the experience of the “tragic mulatto” in our lifetime and eventually have a breakdown. This is just not the case. My life has been defined by being treated like my skin just isn’t white. Automatically then, my blackness is inherent in how I choose (and sometimes don’t choose) to live my life. My mom’s side of the family is incredibly ignorant to racial issues at times because they just don’t have to think about how those things affect them. When you have family members who say things on occasion that directly offend you, how can you NOT connect with your blackness?

    Related to this is the fact that because I’m biracial everything is polarizing. What I mean by that is just like I experience understanding both sides of the fence, I’m also criticized by both sides of the fence. The same goes for my mother. My mother and I have never had a conversation about how she feels when she is glared at by black women, and I am willing to bet that is because (believe it or not) she gets just as many looks from white women. I’m sure she understands the thought processes of both women, and quite honestly I could tell you her response would be the same regardless of what race of women we’re talking about: “Nothing I do is going to change their mind. So why waste my time worrying about it?” And I can’t say I disagree. To her, you have to pick your battles. Getting worked up over who is glaring at our family when we walk in a public establishment or down the street is not a battle that is worth her time. She has ALWAYS been attracted to men of color. My mother had me at 20 years old and I know my biological father was not the first black man she dated. My stepfather is also black, and my mother dated men of all kinds (Puerto Rican, white, black, and I’m sure others I don’t know) before she married my stepfather. I have three brothers all from my biological father. One is 100% black and two who are biracial like myself. My experiences with race run the gamut when it comes to family because I’ve got all kinds around to observe and take the ride with them.

    Lastly, I want to bring up a point that I implied in my post but Embossme’s comment reminded me to be more explicit about. So feel free to let this marinate and get back at me:
    What happens when that black man or woman is with a person of COLOR that is not black? They may be Mexian, Puerto Rican, Brazilian, or these so-called “exotic” groups of people. And, do Asians evoke the same reaction or is there a continuum of reactions? Is your reaction the same if the black person you want is walking hand-in-hand with them? And if not, why not?


  13. Typo-Critical

    November 23, 2010 at 5:45 PM

    @TP4 you raise an EXCELLENT question in your closing comment. Arguably, it doesn’t “matter” as much when the Black young lady/young man is with someone of another of color group just because of history. Historically speaking (at least in this country), no group has been as outright cruel or mistreated Blacks as bad as White people. I don’t subscribe to the painfully ignorant assumption that White people are the ONLY folks that can be racist towards Blacks, nor that Blacks can ONLY be racist when it comes to Whites. I think it’s just a bigger deal because we’ve always been socialized like that from birth: that in all matters of race comparison, it’s usually White and/vs. “other.”

    Hell, to go back to the movies, think about how much emphasis was placed on Sanaa Lathan and Simon Baker in “Something New” or Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas in “Save the Last Dance” or even the precursor: Wesley Snipes and Annabella Sciorra in “Jungle Fever.” They marketed the movie solely on the racial relationship… but take, say, “I Can Do Bad All by Myself” which features Taraji Henson engaging in a relationship with a Latino male; or Will Smith and Eva Mendes’s amazing chemistry in “Hitch.” If you look back and really reflect on the marketing for all these movies, in the latter two, the advertising really didn’t focus on the relationship at all. (compare Something New’s poster of Sanaa affectionately wrapped up in Simon’s arms, to the Hitch poster with just Will standing alone) Not to say that we’re all mindless drones; but if you tell me enough times that something is different about this, but not about that, eventually I’m going to start thinking it’s true (word to Carter G. Woodson’s “if you tell a Negro to go to the back door” analogy).

    It really doesn’t help matters that CNN, amongst other mediums, does a fantastic job kicking the dead horse… of consistently reminding single Black women that upwardly mobile (which doesn’t always necessarily equate to “good”) Black men are low in number. So perhaps, arguably, Black women see that and think, “Damn, there goes another one.” Black dudes do, as well, but I think we have the privilege of being able to say that and still “not lose hope” just because the numbers are more in our favor, if that makes sense.

    I appreciate you recounting your personal experience. I imagine it was NOT easy being put in positions where you were sometimes not “___ enough” for either side. That’s trash how people have internalized difference as such.

  14. utpipeline

    November 23, 2010 at 9:47 PM

    The only I can’t agree with is the statement “you can’t help who you love”. Unless you’re blind, this statement does not hold water. We are human. We are visual. As ladies, we give our number to a guy we think is cute. As men, you approach women you are physically attracted to. When we date, we worry about if our friends will think he’s attractive. It goes through our minds that the world will be looking and judging. A lot of times we know that our relationship is a reflection of us and our social standards. So whether race is the primary motivation to date (in or outside your race) it’s a factor.
    Eurocentric features have been the standard of beauty whether it’s in the race or out of the race, but that’s another discussion altogether…

  15. jcouch

    November 23, 2010 at 10:30 PM

    Great post…

    I believe who you date is conscience decision… as a white guy that has dated mostly black girls/women since I was 14 I know this is the case. But, how you get to that point of making that decision is what is most important… I attended a predominately black school district since elementary so I am more comfortable approaching black women. I think that is the way people operate… its why people voluntarily segregate themselves in communities. It’s weired but I don’t know how to approach white women… it seems like they want you to talk to them for an hour in the club/bar/social setting before you get the number. I don’t have the time… I’ll call you and we can talk later. lol

    Insecure people shouldn’t be in interracial relationships bc people look and people talk. My black friends have dated white women and my white friends have dated black women. I don’t care and I don’t think anyone else should care. If someone makes you happy or a certain type of person makes you happy then that is good enough for me. Life is hard enough without people judging who you date. Shit, relationships are hard enough, especially within the family bc of some old people’s views on interracial dating, for our genration to continue this ignorance.

    Side note: on the marketing of movies mentioned (Hitch, Save The last Dance, Something New)
    You make a great point but its ignoring a major fact: Is there any character in Save The Last Dance or Something New that has the star power of Will Smith? No, and that’s why he was on the cover and the others needed the interracial dating spin. Simon Baker and Sanaa are B list celebs and Q from Moesha and Julia Stiles are very low on the totem pole. You had to have a way to market those movies… you put Will Smith on the cover and people line up down the block. You put Fredro Starr on a cover and it goes immediately to the $5 bin at wal-mart. That is just the way the biz works…

  16. The King's Law

    November 24, 2010 at 12:18 AM


    As a product of mixed race relations, and as a recent participant in an interracial relationship, I can only add the following…

    I love BW, to the core, I believe I will marry one eventually. But how long is “eventually”… How many women must I sift through before I find one that doesn’t have “Beyonce Complex”, doesn’t have a problem with my out-of-wedlock son, and isn’t making judgments about my financial status when we are nowhere close to marriage?

    BW have very high expectations, but I believe they are on the stingy end of being reciprocal when it comes to the Compromise that a true relationship requires. Is this an unfair statement… yes… But in my experience with one non-black versus man black women, it has been much easier. And no, she doesn’t allow me to run over her, but since we aren’t trying to decide who has more power, we can worry about more important things… like being happy.

    I have a larger issue with the niggas that BW date moreso than their desire to date outside the race. They stick with these wackasses because they believe our supply is so short they can’t let this one go. That’s stupid… and since you’re doing stupid shit, you’re even more than less than likely to find a good partner.

    At the end of the day… it’s sad that I’ve found that BW are worth my time, energy, passion, love, etc…. but they aren’t worth the wait. If you want to act so exclusive/swaggerific that you become unapproachable, don’t be upset when niggas with common sense stop looking at you.

  17. justinfication

    November 24, 2010 at 12:55 AM

    Hmm… I gotta admit @TP4, I didn’t expect this. LOL; and I enjoyed your honest assessment and testimony.

    I understand the concern of interracial dating from the above-stated perspectives.

    Black love is beautiful.
    And I day-dream of it on a daily basis. I’ll go ahead and complete the cliche as stated-above and say that “All love is beautiful“. However, I am willing to accept whatever Christian woman God has in store with me, since that is my core criteria. Relating to me culturally isn’t as important as relating to me spiritually. And the deeper my spiritual conviction has gotten, the more I’ve strayed from my strict physical requirements (of all kinds). Not implying how anyone else developed their criteria — just stating how it is for me.

    I know I’ve said it before many times on the thread…but…

    I don’t see how my love for another woman can cause someone to judge how I feel about my race/standard of beauty/etc. I understand,yet I just strongly disagree.

    If I’m somehow an influencing on others to think that one race is greater than the other, and younger generations, then I disagree with their train of thought as well. Others perhaps it’s my fault for not expressing how I feel in love with this woman. If folks thinks it’s a ‘superficial’ relationship, then I’ll take some accountablity.

    When I’m married, It’s done It’s in stone. All other women need not apply. And my reference of success will not be based on opinions of others.

    My wife will be my standard of beauty for the individual that she is. Not my race. If folks want to correlate me liking my wife’s lighter complexion or smaller nose or [whatever] to some deep-rooted values that I myself don’t realize then, [I can’t shrug any harder]

    Marrying one, doesn’t disrespect the other in any way. Unless you take it that way. Then [insert hard shrug] .

    I guess I understand how one has a certain racial criteria for relationships could be offended if someone else has different criteria. I know it’s more than that. Just don’t agree though.

    Enjoyed this. And learned something.

    • primemeridian11

      November 24, 2010 at 9:09 AM

      I guess, I’m wondering if your point is that Christians don’t have preferences because their number one criteria is spiritual compatibility? My number one need is definitely spiritual compatibility, but my spirituality connects to everything else in my life. My blackness is a huge part of who I am and my spirituality connects to that. Quite honestly, I even feel more spiritually connected with a black man because of our religious aspects but also because we can understand the cultural components as well. Point being, I don’t think that the two are mutually exclusive.

      • justinfication

        November 24, 2010 at 9:46 AM

        I agree they aren’t mutually exclusive.

        They just aren’t equal to me, and One is definitely a subset of the other.

        And perhaps you can blame this my current smalltown Ohio experience, but through practicing my faith outside the confines of 3rd Ward, Texas [where I was raised in the church], I recognize that my spiritual combatability isn’t based as much on my culture/race as I once thought. Not neglecting/leaving behing my compatability with my own. Just recognizing the overlapping values that I can have with others on that level.

  18. JJ

    November 24, 2010 at 8:04 AM


    So…I understand the spiritual and religious aspects but how many times can u come home after dealing with the harsh cruel world/society that throws around racism, oppression, white man’s world mentality. After a while u will get tired of coming home to your lovely partner (white/asian/hispanic/black) in this case white who may not understand nothing u go through because prayer is always needed but u are going to get fed up and if u dont have a connection with this person…that can get frustrating.

    I dont know how I feel about ur last comment (50/50). Just know that from my point of view If we cant relate and we dont connect in a way where I feel comfortable enough to talk to my women about my everyday struggles…we not gonna make it to far.

    p.s. On the other hand goed is not gonna send u just anybody that doesnt fit YOU!

  19. justinfication

    November 24, 2010 at 8:38 AM

    @JJ lol. I laughed a bit reading that.

    I’ll admit, I’ve never been in a relationship where this has been tested. But even on a platonic level, I have non-black friends, who understand my black experiences. They haven’t experenced it, but they understand the issue. I assume that a non-black partner could achieve the same.

    And I just don’t see that as a big barrier. And if down the line it becomes an issue; then so be it. I don’t mean to marginalize ya’lls value for this connection with a partner. I don’t associate “Not understanding my black experience” with “We ain’t meant to be”.

    Can I assume a non-black wife would care about my troubles? to sympathize for me? [sorry to get so cheesy here]That’s the basis I’m looking for.

    No wife is going to relate perfectly. What would any wife do when she can’t relate with her man on an issue of distress relating to race,work,etc? I don’t expect a white wife to throw her hands up and say, “you’re on your own, bro.”

    She won’t always know what’s wrong or directly relate. Sometimes her cultural upbringing may been the cause of that….or she just may be black, yet clueless.

    I’m with you 100% on that “p.s.”. I’m humbled by the fact that God knows what fits and what’s meant to work for His will moreso than what I ‘think’ may fit. (i.e. Alicia Keys isn’t meant for me). LOL.


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