[Prologue: In leiu of the current cartoon character trend on Facebook to protest child abuse…]
Is it too much for a kid to want a happy-ending?
All kids expect happy endings. And kids will go out of their way to get closure on a storyline — especially when the kid relates to or admires a character. When I was a kid, there were just some characters that I rooted for all the time—because they seemed to never ‘win’. Cartoonists definitely knew how to pull the heart-strings of lil’ kids, and I fell into their sentimental traps every time.
I don’t believe in prosperity gospel, but in the case of cartoons and ‘feel-good’ movies, I wanted the characters I rooted for to ‘win’ all the time. As horrible as it was, I forced myself to watch Aladdin: Prince of Thieves because I had to see Aladdin marry Jasmine, and I wanted to know who Aladdin’s father was too [oops, spoiler alert].
This post may seem bitter, but I assure you I am over it. My childhood; however, is still holding a grudge.
[Note: Youtube links don’t all work on blog page, so click to watch on Youtube!]
5. Doug Funny
Alright, Doug didn’t have it THAT bad. But I had to root for this kid.
He had a long-time crush on Patti Mayonaisse, even though nothing developed there. I wouldn’t really say that Patti reciprocated her feelings but the storyline definitely led us all to hope that she would eventually turn around.
Roger was a rival of his, but that didn’t bother me too much. Roger lived in a trailer park with his divorced mom. I gave him a pass for being a bully.
Doug had quite an creative imagination, too, with which I could relate. He would draw out his alter-egos to conquer the tough situations of his life.
Doug wasn’t perfect, but I think we’d all call him a good, well-rounded guy.
Here’s to you, Doug Funny!
Storyline that would bring me closure:
Doug gets over Patti and marries Connie (who lost all her baby weight after elementary school).
Where is Doug now?
Doug was a smart, nice guy. I’m sure he’s fine. No entertaining story here.
4. Wile E. Coyote.
Life didn’t allow this guy to get the bird, yet Life still gave him the bird.
He invested all his money into faulty ACME equipment. He was always falling and blowing up. He was mischievous, sure. But I was never given a reason to hate this guy. And I was never given a reason to like the Road Runner either. Road Runner didn’t even communicate – which gave me more of a reason to root for the animals that seemed more intellectually competent.
Yes, smart alecks and Looney Toon fanatics… I know that he eventually catches the roadrunner…
Storyline that would bring me closure:
Wil E. Coyote [legitimately] catches the Roadrunner, realizes that he’s wasted his life chasing a road runner and moves on.
Where’s Wile E. Coyote now?
Working behind the register at KFC.
Where’s the Road Runner now?
3. Chuckie Finster
He was the only Rug-rat living in a single-parent home. He was a ginger. He was bucktoothed. He was always nervous and hesitant. He had bad eye-sight. And on top of all that, Angelica would punk him daily. He wasn’t even two years old, and he had an inferiority complex. And yea, I watched an episode of that new Rugrats when they were teens, and Chucky was still getting punked. SMH.
Chuckie was loyal though, and got brave when he needed to.
Stretch Storyline that would bring me closure:
Chucky marries Susie CarMichael. Susie makes a man out of him. Chuck stands up to Angelica. And scene.
2. Trix Bunny
Who denies cereal? Poor guy….
Where’s the Trix bunny now?
Probably in a rehabilitation center due to his addictive persona.
Where are those Trix kids now?
They’re probably rich from hoarding all of the Trix. They were probably the same way with their money and possessions. They also probably spit in the faces of hobos that ask for money, Girl Scouts that sell cookies, and the Jehovah Witnesses that knock on their door.
The Trix Rabbit is on the box you’re denying him!
1. Charlie Brown
“Good Grief!” — what child says this?
I’ve seen every Charlie Brown movie there is, and each one shows this guy has the worse of luck/circumstances and the flakiest of friends. It doesn’t help that he’s shy, lovestruck, and a pushover.
He was so disturbed and gullible he had to go to a fake psychiatrist.
Charlie didn’t have enemies, but he didn’t have any friends either. Linus is the only exception.
For instance, in Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!, they patronized him for his small Christmas tree. These kids weren’t raised with the real meaning of Christmas.
Singing Christmas Songs isn’t equivalent to an apology, kids.
Also in, It’s Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown, he’s blamed for the loss of a football game cause Lucy moved the football (again), even though she promised she wouldn’t. Lucy Van Pelt is one of the most hated characters in comic strip history.
Where’s Charlie Brown now?
I dunno, but it would worry me. I hope he found solace and decent friends.
Whew…got that out my system.
Any other characters?