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Say Something Baby

26 Jan

“I can’t find a good man”

I detest these words with a passion.  Whenever I hear a grown woman complain about her potential mates I punch a small woodland creature in my mind. I understand that there are millions of “jerks” and “dogs” in the world, I also understand that women are often approached in a way that is totally inappropriate but what I don’t understand is how these facts translate into you not being able to find a good man. Let’s look at this logically.

Oftentimes we are acutely aware of how flagrantly out of line men are. We are often told of how men all cheat, or they all lie, or they’re all afraid of commitment and for certain segments of the population this is undoubtedly true but the scope is overstated. You see the mean who cheat, lie, and refuse to wife you up receive an inordinate amount of attention because for the most part these are the men who have been deemed desirable. When a woman says “I can’t find a good man” they mean “I can’t find a good man…that I want to be with”, of course this is also true of guys who always complain about how “nice guys finish last” no “nice guys finish last…with the bad girls they want” if people opened their eyes and honestly evaluated the people around them we’d have less complaints between the genders. This truth is universal.

What isn’t however is that a lot of women who bemoan their lack of dating options do so while making no active effort whatsoever to find a good mate. For example, Friend A is an attractive young woman with a lot going for her. She goes on dates and would work to support a relationship. Her dates however all end in disaster, the men are interested in one thing or are uninteresting all together. Friend A laments her predicament of “not finding a man who is about anything” at which point I inquire, “well where have you been looking?”. The answer is ” I don’t look its the man’s job to ask for a date”. Here, right here, is where I quit. If you as a woman refuse to take the initiative when finding a mate, which is totally within your rights, then I feel you shouldn’t complain about not finding the “right” man. It is the year 2011 and women have the right to vote, earn as much money as men, and tell them how they look better doing it. So why is it that when it comes to dating some people revert back to tradition and “proper” gender roles?

If I wanted a job but I refused to ask about openings, wouldn’t you conclude that I don’t really want that job at all?

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

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19 responses to “Say Something Baby

  1. lovemisskris

    January 26, 2011 at 1:16 PM

    Chad wow, nice!

     
  2. realist23

    January 26, 2011 at 1:25 PM

    [insert biblical quote and/or reference here]

     
    • Chad Stanton

      January 26, 2011 at 1:59 PM

      The Bible can be an explanation for the behavior but I don’t know too many people who model their entire relationship off of what they interpret the Bible saying. Especially single career minded women in 2011.

       
      • primemeridian11

        January 26, 2011 at 3:14 PM

        Some do or try to. I understand your point, but again, I wish there would be a post that is more than one dimensional when it came to these issues. Perhaps one that explored the reasons behind the lamenting and the truth of male behavior. Women aren’t complaining for no reason and before too many women move too swift to applaud your points, maybe that should be explored. Even the “good” men who supposedly aren’t a product of her choosing the wrong ones, may have commitment phobia. This has been evidenced by my college educated, job holding, centered, giving, faithful male friends who love to employ various excuses about why they can’t commit to someone. Either way you dice it pickings ARE actually slim so I’m sure that most women really CAN’T find a good man.

         
        • Chad Stanton

          January 26, 2011 at 3:32 PM

          I don’t dispute the fact that there are men who are everything women say they are. Neither do I dispute the fact that their are plenty of men with commitment issues. I don’t think that a college education, holding a job, being centered, giving, or faithful necessarily makes someone a good man and if a woman is looking for a relationship and a man possessing all the aformentioned qualities isn’t then I don’t think he would be a “good” man for her. I strongly dispute the notion that picking’s are that slim and assert that the pickings that everyone finds desirable are slim. There are men who I know would be good husbands who are as lonely as the “best” women are while men whoI know aren’t half as nice who can’t keep the ladies off of them. Men aren’t blameless but neither are women

           
          • primemeridian11

            January 26, 2011 at 3:36 PM

            I only listed those qualities because those are usually the ones that most ppl use when making this point. So you are actually making the point that the numbers are grossly skewed? Honestly, single women outnumber single men 2:1. Those are some pretty bad odds if you’re a single woman who wants to be scooped. Imagine the numbers if they were reversed. Also, another point about “choosing” is that women have the problem of not getting “chose”. That 2:1 ratio moves even higher then. I just don’t think this can be a real discussion until people acknowledge the real situation. It really is THAT bad.

             
            • Chad Stanton

              January 26, 2011 at 3:39 PM

              If the situation is that bad why worsen your odds by not using the agency that God gave you to find a suitable mate?

               
              • primemeridian11

                January 26, 2011 at 3:52 PM

                God actually said “a man finds a wife”, but I won’t touch that here. Even if they use their agency and the numbers are the same, their chances of finding a man who actually likes them and wants to commit are very very very slim. And that’s not even removing the men who are utterly turned off by a woman who approaches them. I believe everyone wants to call that “thirst” nowadays.

                 
                • Chad Stanton

                  January 26, 2011 at 4:06 PM

                  God helps those who help themselvess, its not in the Bible but is a truism all the same. Once again the pickings aren’t that slim the pickings of men that women want to be with may be. Also if a man isn’t willing to pursue a relationship because he thinks a girl is thirsty then he’s probably not going to be with her when she’s just as thirsty except alone and silent. It shouldn’t be taboo for someone to ask for what they want. Men get tagged as thirsty as well and we are the ones instructed to pursue. It’s quite okay with me if a woman doesn’t want to face the potential of rejection just don’t complain to me about not being able to find a man if you’re not looking.

                   
                • The King's Law

                  January 26, 2011 at 5:59 PM

                  All I can say is that if a woman won’t look, she doesn’t really want a man. So it’s a moot issue.

                   
  3. Ariel Aaron

    January 26, 2011 at 2:18 PM

    This is so true and well said. Go Chad! 🙂

     
  4. E

    January 26, 2011 at 4:01 PM

    Preach!

    The more crass version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eb1lKXb84SM

     
  5. utpipeline

    January 26, 2011 at 6:52 PM

    My problem was finding a normal man. It wasn’t where I was looking because it stretched from the grocery store to the bouncer at the club. I took advice from a gay friend and changed my perfume. Didn’t work. What’s the answer, then?

     
    • Chad Stanton

      January 26, 2011 at 7:03 PM

      I don’t know, I’m not Steve Harvey, if you’ve been looking and can’t find a “normal” guy then maybe you’re attracted to abnormal people?

       
  6. The Unknown

    January 26, 2011 at 9:48 PM

    I agree that both men and women are at fault but I believe it is the man’s responsibility to ask the woman out. I have a sister and will hopefully have a daughter some day, I do not and would not want her approaching a man to talk to him. It may be old school, but it just shouldn’t happen. The problem is that many men are taking the easy road out. Simply put, it’s time to man up. It’s easy to take advantage of the numbers 2-1 and the fact that a good number of women want commitment but it should not be what is the standard and what people strive for.

    A great example is Stephon Curry. He is a 22-year old stud basketball player in the NBA and he just got engaged to his 21-year old high school sweetheart.
    http://www.sportsbybrooks.com/photos-stephen-currys-mystery-fiancee-revealed-29445
    Men and women were not created to screw around with each other in a playful manner or in a carefree manner. No, relationships were designed to be meaningful and purposeful. I know there is someone who is cynical, getting yours in is not what I consider purposeful. Purposeful in the sense that you have a vision for your life and you believe the person you are with adds something to that and is ultimately a part of your destiny.

    Chad, I agreed with you until the end. All the stuff about a good man/good woman, I completely agree. It’s like people see different characteristics of people on tv or in real life and try to combine aspects of different people into one person. That usually ends up bad. Instead, it seems it would be better if people kept an open mind, saw a few things they like in a person and see if it can develop.

    Ultimately, men were given the responsibility to lead and should do so accordingly. Instead, we as men have failed by neglecting responsibility and refusing to challenge and/or call out others when they don’t handle their business. When you are the leader, you take responsibility for the problems…

    You only get one life to live, seriously, what do we want to tell our daughters or what do we want to remember about our lives. At some point we have to look in the mirror, wake up, and say enough is enough. I messed up and have done some jacked up things, all I can do is apologize about that but I can live the rest of my life with passion and purpose and treat others the way God wants me to treat them.

     
    • primemeridian11

      January 26, 2011 at 11:38 PM

      OMG! FINALLY, a freakin MAN who will be real about it. I need to do a blog on how men don’t hold men accountable. This was getting ridiculous. Excuses in abundance.

       
      • Chad Stanton

        January 27, 2011 at 6:49 AM

        Excuses for what? The premise is that if a woman wants to find a good man then she would be better served being willing to ask. I don’t know how this gets conflated into men not wanting to take responsibility for relationships or whatever it is we are arguing about now.

         
        • The King's Law

          January 27, 2011 at 10:48 AM

          Maybe I can shed some light on this with my next post… Let’s talk about the often misconstrued thought of chivalry… I think it’s what it all boils down to. Women (in general) would like a more equal and fair society, free from the stranglehold of sexism… but they still want to benefit from the remnant luxuries of societal plague that oppresses them… to put it bluntly, like Chad said, it’s backwards thinking.

          How is it that men are supposed to be responsible for you FINDING your own happiness?

           
    • Chad Stanton

      January 27, 2011 at 6:48 AM

      I appreciate your passion but you’re arguing against something that I didn’t write. My position is a simple one. If a woman wants to find a good man, or at least someone that doesn’t cause her to lament about the men she dates, she should be willing to ask someone. How is it an easy road out where I suggest nowhere that Men shouldn’t ask out women everything isn’t an all or nothing scenario. I don’t see how a woman initiating the relationship leaves it without purpose. I also don’t see how it is a man’s responsibility to know someone wants to date them if they’re not willing to ask. It is backward thinking to argue that a woman asking a man out on a date amounts to men shirking responsibility and refusing to be accountable. How can I lead someone I’m not with? I don’t know what you did to “mess up” but I doubt that the source of your issues were women actually saying something when they wanted to talk.

       

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