I'd like to consider myself a "Bathroom Ninja".
When I go to the restroom, it's for one reason...well, sometimes two. And when I go for "two reasons", I don't want to be seen or bothered.
I'm serious, you won't catch me. I leave no trace (pun intended)
I stay invisible in the bathroom
You may be wondering how I became a so-called 'Bathroom Ninja'. Well, besides the fact that I just want to poop in peace, I DO have some insecurities about me going in public. Especially in the workplace. Unlike being in the privacy of your own home, or among strangers at the stadium, pooping around your peers can be nerve-wracking
"Location, Location, Location" should be your first consideration
You have to consider what your best option may be. Choose the place with the best privacy and least traffic. In this case, I would suggest the Option C, the rare, but 'oh so private' stand-alone bathroom. Option A would probably be second because it provides the best "isolation". Keep in mind, at the workplace, this may require you to go to a different floor. Or just wait until you get home.
Next, being a "Bathroom Ninja" starts at the door. You have to consider who sees you going into the bathroom. Especially, when someone follows you into the bathroom.
If you are followed, make a B-line to the urinal. Don't let them see you enter the stall!
Similar considerations must be made even when you're ready to exit. Don't let anyone see you exit the stall! Even if that means you're fully-dressd, standing up, checking your watch in the stall. Wait until the coast is clear!
Even when you do choose the best location you can, and the last stall (the universal preference), your serenity can still be intruded.
It sucks, but it happens all the time...
Who wants to sit next to someone else while they do their business? You must avoid this!
Sometimes, they may even want to spark up conversation because they "think" you're in the stall! Regardless of whether they call you by your full government name....don't answer- Don't let yourself be identified!
In close quarters, keeping your anonymity can be difficult. You have to considered all angles. Tuck your feet in and flip that work badge over!
Don't forget about the top side of the stall. You may have to 'bend over', and it may be hella uncomfortable. Most dudes over 5'11 have this problem when they're "cleaning up". For those who can effectively wipe themselves while sitting down, I envy you.
But ya see, that takes us back to the first step. You have to consider where you do your business! Short stalls are fading out of existence, but sometimes you don't know what you're getting into until you sit down.
...and then, you're just setting yourself up to get caught.
You can't avoid every awkward situation, but hopefully these tips helped.
Editor’s Note: Even in 2012, grown men are refusing to wash their hands.
WASH YOURS HANDS!
...and keep washing them